Thoughts in a sea of many…

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“Words that do not give the light of Christ increase the darkness” ~ Mother Teresa

People want an immediate reaction…an instant response on demand. This is the world we now live in. Sure, I, like most people had an immediate reaction to yesterday’s Supreme Court ruling. However, I’m still a processor. I need time with my thoughts so that I can bring them to God, to seek His thoughts. This morning I awoke praising God that somewhere in this country lives that He is knitting together in their mother’s womb will live on. But I also pray for the heart that is scared, afraid, or even mad…they are not my enemy, they simply have a different worldview. Both sides paint the evil extremes of the other to push forward the agenda of our age…division. We have been conditioned to believe that disagreement means harm; if I disagree with you I want to harm you. I try to step out of this narrative that our modern age perpetuates to see all sides of a situation.

Transparency has always been part of this blog, this topic will not change that. I saw a post yesterday that someone was fearful of the ways people trying to save their soul would cause them more harm. As I read that my heart wept but those words gave me a much clearer picture of how many people perceive Christ followers. However, I wonder how many people, on either side, have had genuine conversations with people who think differently? Do we even truly know what the other side of our opinions think or believe? Or are we simply allowing news outlets and politicians create narratives that we have accepted as truth?

For instance, as a woman I am far more concerned with other behaviors I see tolerated in this country that are very oppressive to women. I wonder where the outrage was for our girls that are being diminished in sports. I wonder where the outrage was for body autonomy when our daughters who had genuine concerns about a new vaccine and how it would effect their reproductive abilities were mandated to be vaccinated. Then lost their jobs when they wouldn’t. Why do we never talk about the motives behind the inception of Planned Parenthood? Why is it more comfortable to highlight abortion in the context of sexual violence while minimizing its use as a method of birth control? We cry out for human rights but what about the unborn, the most vulnerable among us?These are questions that swirl in my head. Why do we have to scream and yell our opinions at each other but never actually take the time to listen to each other? Why do we always take the easy way out rather than do the hard thing…talk to each other? Why do I have to hate you because I disagree with you? I don’t and I won’t!!!

Today, I unashamedly praise God, the author and giver of life. Yesterday was a victory for the millions and millions of lives that have been lost over the last 50 years. But I also seek the face of God, to know how He desires His people to respond…to step into the gap and care for those that will be impacted most by yesterday’s court decision. I also pray for the people who see my beliefs as harmful. I recognize that there is another side. This blog began as a social media post…a platform that more often than not inflames a situation. Rarely is it ever a source of healing or even productive dialogue. It is why I tread those waters infrequently. However, this morning my heart was heavy. Heavy for the weight of responsibility, the work has just begun. Heavy for the dividing gulf that was expanded ten-fold yesterday in this country. Yet, in the heaviness I am reminded that I know the true source of healing. So I bring it all to Him. I have experienced the power of prayer, so this morning my prayers remain what they have been for quite some time…for the Light of Christ to shine in the overwhelming darkness of this world and healing for the brokenness that is so evident all around us. I pray for those I love, those who think like me and those who do not…that remains and will remain unchanged.

Today, instead of being quick to anger or to gloat…maybe we could all be slow to speak and quick to listen. We might learn something we didn’t know. We might see a perspective that we hadn’t before. It may not change our minds but it might just soften our hearts and open us up to greater kindness and compassion.

Unity First

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“For you are all children of God through faith in Christ Jesus. And all who have been united with Christ in baptism have put on Christ, like putting on new clothes. There is no longer Jew or Gentile, slave or free, male and female. For you are all one in Christ Jesus.”

Galatians 3:26-28

With age and experience I have learned that unity is tricky. Merriam Webster defines unity as a oneness, or a condition of harmony. The Biblical understanding of unity is not much different. In the above verse from his letter to the Galatians the Apostle Paul is making it very clear that Jesus Christ is the tie that unites all people not just to each other but to God Himself. God offers His gift of grace to all people through His Son, Jesus Christ. Through Jesus we are unified, made into one body…the Church. However, as evidenced by so many in the Church, unity is only achievable as long as we stand in total agreement on all things, at all times. As soon as there is a difference in opinion, preference, or theological understanding it becomes the mission of some to tear down that which they do not agree, causing disunity.

“Make allowances for each other’s faults, and forgive anyone who offends you. Remember, the Lord forgave you, so you must forgive others. Above all, clothe yourselves with love, which binds us all together in perfect harmony. And let the peace that comes from Christ rule in your hearts. For as members of one body you are called to live in peace. And always be thankful.”

Colossians 3:13-15

I am a follower of Jesus Christ. I am a lover of God’s Word. I also happen to be a female that holds the title “Pastor.” Few things can ignite the tinderbox of the modern Church like the role of females in ministry. Before you get ahead of yourself and settle in for a blog that will most certainly be a crusade for women in church leadership, let me stop you. It is not my job to convince anyone that what I do is ok or even right. Only the Holy Spirit can convict and bring revelation to the human heart and mind. My only job is to be obedient to what God has called me to. I once read a book where a high level church leader, who happened to be female, stated something along the line of “I never want to stand before God and have Him ask me what I did with the gifts and graces He gave me and my reply be “nothing” because man told me it I couldn’t.” That quote was game changing for me. As a female who spent my first two years as a teaching pastor feeling like I had to apologize for my call, there was freedom in knowing that I actually did not need to apologize for what God has called me to. Obedience to God need be my only concern.

This blog is not about shaming or convincing denominations that do not agree female pastors. I know the Bible verses they cite and I understand the basis of their belief. I too am a lover of God’s Word and I don’t ever skirt around those passages. I see what the Apostle Paul has written as well. Yet, I also see women like Priscilla who were high level leaders in Paul’s ministry. I see Deborah who was a judge, not just a civil judge but a God appointed judge. The highest level of human leadership over God’s people at the time. I see the Samaritan woman at the well with Jesus used as the one who would bring the Gospel to a whole town of people. I see the women, like Mary Magdalene, who were the first ones to proclaim the resurrection of Jesus. I see Miriam, Esther, Anna, Phoebe, Junia, etc. In fact, God’s use of women in a patriarchal time is actually quite extraordinary. However, my mission and my heart is not to change people’s minds or their theological landing strip. My heart is simply to be the evidence of Jesus in our world and to love my brothers and sisters in Christ, regardless of their theological preferences. God has so clearly revealed to me that no one…NOT ONE single denomination or theological bent of Christianity will arrive in heaven to a ticker tape parade because they were the ones who were theologically accurate in all things!! The Catholics can’t claim this prize neither can the Calvinists, Armenians, Reformers, Fundamentalists, Charismatics, Wesleyans, Non-denom’s…etc. When the fullness of truth is revealed, the grey areas of Scripture will become crystal clear. Until then we can all stand firm on what we know for certain, that is the truth that none of us can deny or dispute. When all else fades away what remains is faith in Jesus Christ as the Savior of the world…hope that every single one of God’s commands are good and His promises are true as revealed through His Word and His Son…and love, agape or unconditional love, for the Father and for each other is the greatest of all that remains.

“So now I am giving you a new commandment: Love each other. Just as I have loved you, you should love each other. Your love for one another will prove to the world that you are my disciples.”

John 13:34-35

If this past week has taught the American Church anything it is that darkness is all around us. It longs to steal, kill, and destroy. God has placed us here for such a time as this. We have been uniquely positioned in this generation to be the light of Christ in the overwhelming darkness. To cling to the truth that darkness will NEVER overcome the light. I cannot help but wonder how much brighter our light for Jesus could shine if we locked arms in unity rather than squabbling among each other over non-essential theological differences. Church, we are better together!!! The enemy loves to cause dissension and disunity among God’s people. How different could the reach of the Church of Jesus Christ be if God’s children stopped demanding their own way and simply loved each other in our differences?

I no longer apologize for being a female pastor nor will I break fellowship with anyone who has a different theological viewpoint on this topic or any other non-essential matter of faith. With charity and grace we should approach our theological differences. Without malice, condemnation, or pride of doctrine we must recognize that some of brothers and sisters think differently than us and that is ok. However, love must be our motivator. In fighting among God’s children brings Satan the greatest delight. Creating a spirit of offense and pride within us, his greatest accomplishment. If he can get us fighting with each other, he distracts us from the real mission…advancing the kingdom of God!!!! If he can get us to publicly shame and discredit each other over grey areas in Scripture then he can cast shadows and doubts on the absolute truth of Scripture to those watching.

No, this blog is not a cry for equality for women in the Church…its a cry for unity in the Church. Let us love each other, let us honor one another well, let us evidence Jesus to a world that so desperately needs Him. We are the light bearers in a world flooded in darkness. I implore you, brothers and sisters, do not allow in fighting among us to be the cause of the dimming or snuffing out our light. We are a peculiar, set apart people. Washed by the blood of our Savior, empowered by the Holy Spirit, citizens of heaven here on earth to do one thing…proclaim the Gospel of Jesus Christ, making disciples of all nations!! Let’s stop fighting with each other and get back to the mission and ministry of Jesus. The world needs us…DESPERATELY!!!

Distortion

/ simplynikkicat / 4 Comments

For we are God’s masterpiece. He has created us anew in Christ Jesus, so we can do good things he planned for us long ago.

Ephesians 2:10

By definition a lie is an untrue statement; something said in order to mislead or deceive. It seems so simple when you read it in black and white…you take what is true and you distort it. You would think something so simple would be so easy to identify and avoid. Yet, in reality, lies wreak havoc in most of our lives. I’m not talking about the lies that are told to get you out of trouble or to manipulate a situation in your favor…that’s a different issue for a different day. I am talking about the lies that try to rob us of our very identity. The above passage from the Apostle Paul’s letter to the Ephesians is truth, in fact, it is a core truth for every person who is a follower of Jesus Christ. We are God’s masterpiece created anew in Christ Jesus to do the good works God planned for us to do.

Show of hands…How many of you woke up this morning with a smile on your face declaring, “I am God’s masterpiece!”? How many of you have made it to this point in the day still grinning that “I am God’s masterpiece” smile? If that’s you, you can probably stop reading…this blog might not be for you. But if you woke up this morning noticing some new gray hairs and felt old, or saw a few extra pounds on the scale and felt a little (or ALOT) less awesome about yourself, or had a blow out fight with your kid as they left for school and you are now certain you will be the reason they will spend thousands of dollars in therapy one day, or maybe your boss called you an underperformer or treated you like you added no value to the team, or your significant other made you feel invisible rather than important, or maybe you just feel like you have been knocked down and just cannot catch a break…then you might what to keep reading.

One thing I have learned very clearly in my journey with Jesus is that we have an enemy who wants to deceive us with lies. His desire is to mislead out of truly believing that we are God’s masterpiece…as if there was no way possible that God was thinking about YOU when His truth was penned. Oh no, that truth is just for all the other Jesus lovers…you know, the ones with the social media perfect lives, the ones who look like they have it all together and figured out. My friends, that IS the lie; it is a distortion of God’s truth when we begin to believe that even though we love Jesus, His truth couldn’t really apply to us. Whether it is because of our past, or our current circumstances, our backgrounds, the things that we have done, or a multitude of other reasons, somewhere along the way we believed we were unworthy of God’s truth and promises. These are the lies the enemy whispers over and over again…”God didn’t really mean someone like you!”, “Who do you think you are?”, “If God really meant you then why doesn’t your life look different, why haven’t your circumstances changed?” These, my friends, are just a few of the lies the enemy spews at us to distort the very identity Jesus has given us as sons and daughters of the Most High God; beautifully and wonderfully made, His masterpiece, created in His image to do the good works He planned for us to do. Simply because He loves us.

The enemy’s attacks on your life are not about who you have been in the past, they’re about who you will be in the future.

Lisa Bevere

Somebody needed to hear that truth tonight. The enemy uses tactics like guilt and shame over our past NOT because our past matters to God…it doesn’t!! Jesus washed all that clean with His shed blood on the cross. But that is the LIE!! The enemy has some of you believing that God is still holding your past against you. Want to know why he does that? Because as long as he can deceive YOU into holding onto your past, a past that God already let go of, you will NEVER live in the fullness of being God’s masterpiece. Listen, God isn’t scared of your past getting out, in fact He welcomes it. His life transforming power is illuminated when people know exactly what Jesus saved us from. This is our testimony!! In our mess God reached down and washed us clean; in our weakness God’s strength transformed us and took us from a hot mess to a masterpiece. But if the enemy can lie us into silence we will never do the good works that God planned for us to do. This robs us of our identity…it robs us of everything good and perfect thing God has for us. This is the enemy’s goal; to paralyze us with his lies. Because we are only a threat to him when we actually live in the truth that we are God’s masterpiece.

Distortion: the act of twisting or altering something out of its true, natural, original state.

Merriam Webster Dictionary

God’s word is very clear…So then, if anyone is in Christ, he is a new creation; what is old has passed away (2 Corinthians 5:17) In Jesus we are a new creation, born again, sons and daughters of the Most High God, His masterpiece. Believing anything and living according to anything other than that truth is a DISTORTION of the new identity that Jesus died to give us. The beauty of this new identity is that embraces every age, every size, every race, every background…every sinner is welcome at the table of God’s forgiveness…every sin has the ability to be washed clean by the blood of Jesus…EVERY SINGLE ONE!!! When we live in the freedom of this truth, the first thing on all of our minds when we wake up will be “Today is the day the Lord has made so I will honor Him well by walking in the fullness of being His masterpiece!”

But here is the deal…this blog was birthed out of the spiritual battles I am witnessing all around me; people I love being attacked. Beaten up by their past, gasping for air in their current circumstances, believing the lies of this age that our identity, value and worth is found in “likes” and “shares” and how awesome the social comment feeds say we are, riddled with anxiety, anger, pride, and fear. The enemy is trying so hard to distort the truth of we are in Christ so that he can render us ineffective for God’s kingdom. And full transparency…I myself was attacked over the weekend. In a moment of a hurting person’s insensitive dialogue about my daughter death’s the enemy whisper a lie into my head that went after my very calling. He said “this is why you should never share Francesca’s story, because people feel they have the right to talk to about her and they don’t.” And with that one lie the enemy tried to distort who I am in Christ and who God has called me to be as a preacher. Because when God called me into ministry the one thing He clearly told me was that I would share Francesca’s story, often. The enemy tried so hard to snatch that away. The good news…truth ALWAYS overcomes lies…ALWAYS!!!!! Almost as quickly as the lie entered my head, it left…because I know truth well enough to see the lie for what it was. This is why living sourced by the Holy Spirit and saturated in God’s Word is so important. No lie whispered will ever take root if you combat it with truth. Lies only have the power we give them. How do we empower the lie? By not knowing truth well enough to silence them.

In the end I want you to know that my writing tonight comes out of the prayer on my heart for the reader who is living in the distortion. Maybe the seed of a lie has been planted or maybe you have full blown garden of distortion growing in your mind; tonight I pray that you would replace any and all lies with the truth. You are God’s masterpiece, created in Christ Jesus to do the good things God has planned for you. Be strengthened in the Lord and be empowered by His Holy Spirit.  Clothe yourselves with the full armor of God, so that you will be able to stand against the schemes of the devil.  Never forget you fight from victory not for it. You are already more than conquerors in Christ Jesus who strengthens you! No weapon formed against you will ever prosper and no distortion can take root in your mind when you fight it off with truth.

With much love,

Nikki xoxo

Redeeming Love

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So movie reviews are not my thing. Actually, going to the movies isn’t really my thing. I would much rather brew a great cup of coffee, snuggle under a blanket on my couch, and hope I stay awake for the duration of a film rather than sit in a movie theater. The blanket is usually my downfall. However, when I found out my all time favorite book Redeeming Love by author Francine Rivers was being made into a major motion picture I could not wait to go see it. That wait came to an end last night. Now as I have said I’ve read the book, multiple times. I knew the subjects in the story were heavy and dark but that’s makes the beauty of redemption so much greater!

**SPOILER ALERT**

If you are going to go see this movie no matter what you read in this blog then I highly suggest you stop reading right now. There will be spoilers…so if you keep reading…you have been warned.

What I learned last night and what has compelled me to write this blog, is that when a major Hollywood studio puts their stamp on a Christian movie, God is so downplayed that if you blink too many times you might actually miss Him.

Let me back this up just a bit. Years ago when I read the book Redeeming Love I wept and then wept some more. Then I told everybody I knew that they HAD to read this book. I had never read a book like this before. A fictional tale woven around the story found in the Bible book of Hosea, where God tells the prophet Hosea to marry Gomer, the prostitute. The author of Redeeming Love took the premise of this biblical story and created the fictional story of Michael Hosea and Angel/Sarah. In the novel the reader is instantly drawn in by Angel/Sarah who has been so brutally victimized by her circumstances, something that happened often to women with no means and no options in the pre-modern world. In complete contrast to that you have Michael Hosea. The young farmer, faithful to God in every way, who simply prays for God to bring him a wife. I’m not go into all the details, many of you probably already know them. However, what stood out to me most in the book, the very thing that made me weep, the very thing that left me awed at the end…was the very thing missing from the movie. GOD! His character, His nature, and His redeeming love.

In the book Michael clearly hears the voice of God multiple times tell him that Angel is the wife He has given him. The reader sees Michael’s angst and how he wrestles with this and even asks why, several times. The movie downplays this at best.

In the book Angel is so broken by the circumstances of her life. The movie actually does a fabulous job of portraying this. However, as Michael begins to chip away at all her defenses the movie fails to really capture how Angel must come to the place of understanding that Jesus is her true Savior, not Michael.

In the book the intimacy between Michael and Angel is special, its almost sacred. As he patiently waits to redefine what sexual intimacy truly is between a husband and wife for Angel who was sold into prostitution as a young girl. God’s true desire for marriage comes alive on the pages for the reader. However, the movie completely misses the mark on this. Now don’t get me wrong, Michael is patient and he waits. He wants Angel to know he loves her. However, the steam level of the love scene is quite a few notches higher than necessary in a story rooted out of the Bible. Now please hear me, God is not a prude. He doesn’t believe sex is bad…not at all. He gave us sexual intimacy as a gift to be enjoyed between a husband and a wife. However, some things do not need to be so graphically portrayed on screen…especially when the majority of the target audience will not be expecting it and the sacredness of what occurs is completely lost by it.

In the end the movie failed to seize the greatest opportunity it had…to highlight the true nature of God’s redeeming love. To show audiences everywhere that it was God who kept pursuing Angel in her brokenness, Michael was merely the vessel He used to rescue her. To the viewer who may know nothing of the book of Hosea, the Bible, or God there is a great possibility that they will walk away from the movie thinking it was a great love story about a man who loved a broken women to wholeness because he prayed a few times. How unfortunate is that. Because as the reader you walk away from the book thinking what an incredible story about the way that God loves us. That His love is greater than our past, our circumstances, and our bad choices. He can redeem us from anything through His Son Jesus Christ. Through Michael’s faithfulness to God we see how it is possible to love in a supernatural way no matter how problematic that love is or how much we might question the wisdom of God’s plan. This was so much more than a love story between Michael and Angel…it was a love story between God and Angel. All of this is missing from the movie. You cannot play a Lauren Daigle song at the end and think that points it all to God. The mark has been way missed by that point.

The saddest moment of the night for me was when my friends who had not read the book really had no desire to after the movie. Thankfully these friends already love Jesus so they don’t need a fictional story to illustrate the redeeming love of our God. My pray at this point is that for those who watch this movie and maybe don’t know Jesus…that the movie may draw them to the book. For it is on the pages of the book that it is clear that God is the true and only source of redeeming love.

My recommendation…if you are lover of the book…you might want to skip the movie. Especially if what you loved most was God’s redemptive power. In all fairness, the movie was well done from a cinematic aspect, the story is compelling, and I did still cry at the end. Maybe because I know the true beauty of the whole story. But I definitely would have preferred a less is more approach to the love scenes.

Finally, if you were thinking about bringing your teenage or younger daughters to this movie…mama’s, I HIGHLY recommend you see it first. The subject matter, as you know from the book, is very adult and disturbing at times. As well as the fact that this is a Hollywood production and some scenes show just enough before is crosses the line into becoming a R rated movie.

Thank you for indulging my amateur Siskle and Ebert attempt. I am sure you won’t see me dabble in this realm often but when the Holy Spirit prompts, I write.

Much love,

Nikki

Life is too short not to…

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The more grateful I am, the more beauty I see.

Mary Davis

On more than one occasion this year I have found myself telling people how gratitude changes everything. It can take the pain we experience in this life and open us up to the beauty that can be found in the lessons being learned or the season we are in. And in theory that sounds great, but is it true? The sentiment, like a beautifully packaged cliché, is one we want so desperately to believe, but when life gets hard and heartache is on our doorstep, can gratitude truly change the trajectory of the journey? Is it possible to see the beauty through the pain?

This past year has been difficult for me. Loss has marked my journey in a tremendous way. My father, my uncle, a beloved friend since childhood…all gone. With each passing a piece of my heart crumbled a little more. Yet, through the pain I had a choice to make; I could focus my attention on what was lost or I could be grateful for what was had. I chose the latter and it made all the difference.

When we focus on our gratitude the tide of disappointment goes out, and the tide of love rushes in.

Kirsten Armstrong

There are few things I love more than being on the water. There is a indescribable beauty found in the power and the majesty of the sea. It is the place where I feel closest to God. A tangible representation of the vastness of who He is. His character and nature coming alive before my very eyes. Overwhelming, yet approachable. Peaceful and calm, yet fierce and powerful. Breath taking and life giving, yet in complete control. We stand at the shore with no ability to harness the waves or change the tides, but it invites us to partake. To sit in awe of the beauty we see, to use wealth of resources found within it, and submit to the authority it has.

I love the idea of equating gratitude to ocean tides. I can visually see how a grateful heart sweeps disappointment back into the abyss of the sea while love comes rushing in to replace it. What an incredible reminder that we never need to stay in a state of heartache and disappointment. Love is always ready to come rushing in, we simply need a grateful heart to activate it.

When my husband and I lost our good friend Joe in August our hearts were devastated. As childhood friends we shared so much with each other. We grew up together, got in trouble together, cheered each other on, and kept each other in check. Even as life took us down different paths, our differences never outweighed the rare and unique bond of friendship we had. It was hard for me to say “good-bye” to someone who knew me so well, someone who had been so special in my life, someone I never imagined wouldn’t grow old with us. Disappointment most certainly swirled in the heartache of this loss. Yet, love was ready to come crashing in.

I thank my God every time I think of you.

Philippians 1:3

Love comes in all different ways but I believe the sweetest is through people. A grateful heart allows us to not focus on who didn’t show up when the journey got hard but rather to be so thankful for those who did. A grateful heart allows us to see not the relationships that have been lost along the way but rather those that have withstood the test of time and even those that emerged as beautiful blessings out of the ashes of pain.

Tonight I sat at a dinner table with Joe’s mom and 15 other people. Some of the friendships at that table went back to when we were school age and others have been newly formed. Out of the mutual heartache of losing one so dear, we all leaned into each other and found joy in the blessings all around us. We found joy in love and laughter and sharing so many memories. We found joy in caring for our friend’s mom. We found joy in simply knowing that Joe would have LOVED seeing us all around a table together. In the pain of loss, we have all found something to be grateful for…Joe and each other.

Be present in all things and thankful for all things.

Maya Angelou

Sleep has eluded me tonight because my heart keeps thinking about something Joe’s mom said tonight and has said numerous times in the last few months. “Be good to each other, take care of one another, don’t fight…life is too short not too.” Life is too short not to!!! Life is too short not to…tell the people you love how much they mean to you. Life is too short not to…find time to cultivate new relationships and nurture old ones. Life is to short not to…take care of one another. Life is too short not to…find something to be grateful for every single day. Life is too short not to…allow God to take the disappointments and sweep them out into the sea so that His love can rush over you.

Gratitude reminds me that life is too short to squander the blessing of one single day. Every day that I wake up with breath in my lungs is opportunity for me to find joy in the day the Lord has made. It is an opportunity to see all the little and big ways God blessings are all around me. It is an opportunity to say “I love you” one more time to the people who mean the most to me. It is an opportunity to simply choose joy in every moment.

As I get ready to lay my head down for what will now be just a few moments of sleep I am grateful for words to write what I might not have otherwise said. I am grateful for friendships that are like family. And I am grateful for laughter, it truly is like elixir for the soul. What are you most grateful for? Look for it…I promise, there is always something to be grateful for. Maybe it’s sunshine or coffee, a promotion or new opportunity, a hand to hold or an ear to listen. Whatever it is…simply allow God to open your eyes and you will find it. Life is too short not to.

In memory of my dear friend, Jo Ill Kim.

I am so grateful for all the love, laughter, and memories. I will carry you in my heart forever xoxo

Never Forget

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South Tower being hit during the 9/11 attacks. NIST SIPA/Wikicommons

No day shall erase you from the memory of time.

Virgil

These words of the Roman poet Virgil stand out on a blue mosaic wall at the National September 11th Memorial and Museum in New York City. It looms, larger than life, like an epitaph to so many lost and a promise to never forget. To never forget each an every soul lost. To never forget that there are forces of evil in this world that would hurt anyone to make themselves known and push their agenda forward. To never forget that on a beautiful Tuesday morning 20 years ago 8 EMT/paramedics, 60 police officers, 343 firefighters, and 2514 civilians left their homes to catch a flight, go to work, or simply do what they did every day…yet…on this fateful day they would never return home. Why? Because an ideology had declared war on America and Americans. On that day 3000 people stood in the place of every single one of us that has the privilege to be a citizen of the United States of America. Because on that day the men who executed the terrorist attacks that took down iconic buildings, penetrated the very hub of our national security, and attempted to breach our capital didn’t care which Americans they killed because in truth, they wanted to kill all Americans.

We all went to bed that night proud to be Americans. We vowed to never forget those who were lost to us forever simply because they were Americans. But 20 years later where are we? Do we truly honor those we lost and the families who loved them? Have the words of Virgil become our reality? Or has the totality of our remembering become an obligatory social media post every 9/11?

The attacks of September 11th were intended to break our spirit. Instead we have emerged stronger and more unified.

Rudolph Giuliani (New York City Mayor on 9/11)

How I long to be the people we were, the country we were, on September 12th, 2001. A country full of people who had been terrorized by evil in hopes to bring us to our knees. Yet, the resilience of our fore fathers pumped through our veins as we rose from the ashes, literally. United we stood together. There was no Democrat, there was no Republican. There was no left agenda or right agenda being pushed. The media wasn’t trying to pit us against each other, creating narratives that would cause division. None of that happened. On September 12th, 2001 we all awoke flying one banner and one banner alone…we were ALL Americans and UNITED we would stand. The red, white, and blue of our flag flew everywhere. Almost every house put out an American flag. Neighbors who had never talked became fast friends. Kindness and compassion flowed out of all of us. Churches were filled with people praying. Generosity and love became the theme in our country. It is the closest I have ever seen us to fulfilling God’s command to love others as we love ourselves.

Trauma is a powerful thing, it can either wreck you or unify you. The trauma of September 11th bound us together with one common goal…to never forget the lives that were lost and to never be defeated by the cowards who attacked us.

Together we had watched the events unfold. We watched in utter disbelief as jet airliners were weaponized and used to crash into buildings to maximize the damage done. We watched in horror as we realized people were jumping out of the Twin Towers because that death was more preferable to the never ending inferno ignited by jet fuel. We watched the heroic actions of everyday people unfold right before our very eyes; police, firefighters, and the port authority gearing up to get people out of harms way and civilians helping one another. We watched in total shock as the South Tower came tumbling down quickly followed by the North. We watched the thick cloud of white debris; glass, concrete, and toxins cover lower Manhattan. We watched fire leaping out of the Pentagon as survivors and first responders worked franticly to get people to safety. Stunned, we watched the footage of the charred black remnants of what used to be United flight 93 on a field in Shanksville, PA.

This was the trauma that had us huddled together later that night. Gathering to pray or to simply be with other people. Ready to do anything to help the hurting and the families of the lost. Out of the horror of that day arose the best of who we are and who we can be.

Even the smallest act of service, the simplest act of kindness, is a way to honor those we lost, a way to reclaim that spirit of unity that followed 9/11.

President Barack Obama

Much like Arlington National Cemetery, I believe every American should walk in the sacred space of what became known as Ground Zero. Quietly contemplating the name of every man and woman etched in the black stone of the two reflecting pools where the Twin Towers once stood.

Remembering.

There is something so extraordinary about walking the hallowed ground were people are honored and remembered for the sacrifices they have made. A place where we are all reminded that our freedom never has been and never will be free. There are many who have paid the ultimate price for each and every one of us to have the luxury and the shared experience of freedom.

True honor, the kind of honor that Virgil speaks of, can only occur when we remember the sacrifices made.

But how quickly we have forgotten.

20 years later America is in a freefall. We have leaders that have divided rather than led well. Journalists and the media have become spin masters; weaving narratives that fit agendas rather than sharing the truth. We no longer wave the red, white, and blue with pride but rather we kneel and turn our backs on the national anthem. We no longer respect the police who rushed into burning buildings to save lives, now we want to defund them. We no longer have a common goal of defeating the ideology of terror, rather we have armed the very entity that emboldened and enabled the terrorists to attack us in the first place. The America that was united so strongly by the trauma of 9/11 has been so divided by the trauma of Covid19. The America that had the honor and dignity to not politicize an American tragedy now 20 years later has politicized every aspect of a global pandemic.

A house divided against itself cannot stand.

President Abraham Lincoln

20 years ago the forces of evil against our great nation could not defeat us. In spite of our differences our response was to unify. We put politics aside and we were simply Americans.

20 years later the terrorists that had the audacity to attack us would probably be quite pleased with the current state of our country. We have so quickly forgotten the depth of despair of 9/11 and the power of unity that brought us out of it. Oh, our social media posts suggest we have remembered but our actions do not.

It is our duty to preserve the memory of those who died on September 11th, 2001. It is our duty to ensure that their deaths were not in vain. It is our duty to pass onto our children, not the entitlement of freedom but the privilege of it. It is our duty to make sure that the next generation and the next and the next understand what life was like on September 12th, 2001. It is our duty to get back to the heart of the American experiment. A mosaic of people, a melting pot of cultures, a collage of beliefs…all united under one common goal…freedom. Freedom to express and freedom to speak, even when we disagree.

Honor is birthed in the remembering. Honor is birthed in kindness and compassion. Honor is birthed when we are able to show respect even when we disagree.

With no honor there is no unity. With no unity there is no America. With no America…the terrorists have won.

I don’t know about you, but I don’t want to give the terrorists a victory…not on our watch. We are better than what we have become and MUST do better moving forward. In honor of every soul lost on September 11th and the lives that are still impacted by the horror of that day we MUST recapture the unity we have lost. It starts with each one of us choosing unity over division, love over hate, and people over politics. We have done it before and we can do it again. We MUST do it again.

God bless you all and God bless the USA.

NEVER FORGET xoxoxo

It’s ok not to be ok…

/ simplynikkicat / 9 Comments

“It’s ok not to be ok…”

In theory this a great sentiment. It gives us something to say when we see hurting people around us and don’t really know what else to say. It rolls easily off our tongues when the “not ok” person is not inconveniencing us with their “not okness.” But what happens when you are the one who is NOT ok…is it still ok? Or do you find yourself hiding behind the façade of “fine” because admitting you’re “not ok” really equates to some sort of failure, deficiency, or weakness to most people? You see, we like cute little catch phrases like “it’s ok not to be ok.” But do we truly live like we believe it?

Vulnerability is not winning or losing; it’s having the courage to show up and be seen when we have no control over the outcome. Vulnerability is not weakness; it’s our greatest measure of courage.

Brene Brown

I thought 2020 was a year…until 2021 arrived.

As a pastor I will be the first one to tell you that our God never changes, our circumstances do. God’s goodness, faithfulness, and love are always readily available to us, no matter where we might find ourselves on this journey called life. This is a truth I stand by and the very truth I live by. I have known difficulty. I have known pain. I have known struggle. I have known soul crushing heartache. And through it all, God has never changed. He has never proven to be less than what He promised to be; He is my strength, my refuge, He upholds me with His righteous right hand, and His peace which surpasses all understanding is mine.

However, what happens when I awaken to the harsh truth that it is, in fact, me who is not ok?

Well…I can tell you what I did. I pushed it away and pretended like everything was “fine.” Because it is often so much easier to simply claim “fine” then to unload all the reasons you’re not ok to people who really only want the version of you that they want. The version of you that makes them feel the best…the version of you that most benefits them…the version of you they expect you to be. If we are truthful, many of us, myself included, ask people how they are in passing, but we really don’t want the real answer, the raw answer, the hard answer. All we are looking for is the “fine” that can keep us moving in the direction we want to go.

But what happens when we get stopped in our tracks?

One year ago my family had just gotten over our battle with Covid. My boys and I had pretty mild cases considering the realm of what we have seen over the last 20 months. And while my husband had a much worse case, we all faired pretty well. But did we really?!?! While my case of Covid was mild it produced in me other symptoms that many people now talk about as “long Covid” or “long haulers Covid.” In the month of having Covid and the four months following Covid I was at the ER 5 times with cardiac symptoms. I have had echocardiograms, more EKG’s and heart blood work than I can count, and a stress test. Thankfully, all is fine. The cardiologist simply ruled that my heart “likes to have a party every once in awhile.” His words, not mine. I have seen an orthopedic specialist and a neurologist. I have had 3 MRI’s. All to try to explain why it feels like I have Icy Hot running under my skin. Or why the day after I put up my Christmas decorations I felt like a 95 year old who just went 10 rounds with Mike Tyson. You know I’m old when he’s the most current boxer I know. Simply put, my case of Covid wasn’t bad at all; it was all the extra little treats the virus left me with that had doctors scratching their heads and me coming to terms with the fact that I would forever live wanting to jump out of my own skin. Even as I write this I see so clearly why “I am fine” was way easier to say.

As 2020 came to end I would lose my father to dementia after the Covid lockdowns made our visits with him sporadic at best during the last months of his life. I had so much hope for 2021. It would be better…it had to be better. However, before the ground could thaw in the spring after a long winter, Covid would hit so much harder than the burning coursing through my body…it would take my beloved uncle from us. We were just licking our wounds from my dad’s death when it greeted us again. Blindsiding us; taking our breath away. In the midst of this heartache our oldest son was navigating his first year away at college while we had to advocate for our younger son with autism who was not receiving a proper education due to Covid restrictions in the schools. At this time we were also petitioning the courts for guardianship as his 18th birthday loomed on the horizon. Our plates were overflowing, and not in a good way. My husband and I have been operating in what seemed like a vortex all while maintaining a demanding travel schedule for him and ministry work for me. I was barely hanging on. Then just four weeks ago it came again. Death was on our doorstep once more but this time it literally knocked the wind out of my sails. A message carrying the news that our beloved friend of over 35 years passed away. I just couldn’t fake it anymore…I was no longer “fine” and truth be told, I hadn’t been for a long time.

The hardest year of my life was the year after my daughter Francesca passed away. This past year has been the second. It has exhausted me in every way possible, with the exception of one. Physically, emotionally, and mentally I was on the brink of total burnout. However, spiritually I was in tact. Oh I needed time, a space for God to heal the gapping wounds in many areas but my faith was never shaken. I never doubted God’s goodness nor His faithfulness. But with my head barely above water, I was no longer leaning into Him either. I think in many ways I was like the disciples on the boat when the storm kicked up. I was trying to navigate the storm wreaking havoc with my life knowing full well Jesus was in my boat. I was silently screaming “will you please make this storm end!” All while pretending I had control over a sinking ship. You see, sometimes we become so good at pretending we are “fine” that we actually start believing the lie ourselves.

But here is the point of this blog. I promise its not so I could from 0 to 60 on the vulnerability scale in a hot second. It’s to point out that all around us there are people struggling. People who look fine, but are not fine. People who need to know that it truly is ok to not be ok. Taking time to catch your breath is actually not a sign of weakness but one of great wisdom. We live in a time and a society were FOMO rules our lives and we are only as good as our latest “like” or “share” count. What good are we if we are not producing, not influencing, not being who everyone expects us to be? No wonder so many are silently wounded…time bombs waiting to go off. Our value and worth is no longer linked to the light that shines within us but rather the light that is upon us. Self care falls to the waste side because we are too busy trying to be who others want us to be rather than who God created us to be. Soul care falls to the waste side because we are far more concerned with the external implications of our need to take a break or being honest and vulnerable about where we are at, rather than the internal ones.

We are a society on the verge of burnout. What makes me think that? Violent crimes are on the rise, suicide is on the rise, drug addiction is on the rise, and the list goes on and on. Because when we pretend “fine” for too long, the truth always comes out one way or another…often, in unhealthy ways.

Thankfully, I knew I wasn’t fine and the people around me knew it too. Over the last few weeks I have had time to rest and simply be in the moment. Few obligations and not much vying for my time, other than those who need me most, my husband and my children. A time to simply be. To take deep breaths and regain my footing. For so long God has spoken to me. He has so clearly told me, “you will find Me in the silence.” And here’s the thing, God’s presence has always been with me but the noise of my life was drowning Him out. I needed to go back to the place of silence to wholly see Him again.

The Lord is my strength and shield.

    I trust him with all my heart.

He helps me, and my heart is filled with joy.

    I burst out in songs of thanksgiving.

Psalm 28:7

Was I weak to admit I was no longer ok, I don’t think so. Did my admission cause me to not live up to some people’s expectations of me, quite possibly. Does sharing this make some uncomfortable, I guess it could. But here is what I have learned. Actually, I already knew this I just needed the silence to remind me of it.

First, in my own strength, I am weak. I am only strong by the One who strengthens me…Jesus Christ, my Lord and Savior. If my life is so busy and burdened that I can no longer hear Him…I will end up on the verge of burnout once again. Second, I was reminded of this simple, powerful, yet freeing truth…there is only ONE who’s expectations I must meet. Only One whose desires I should fulfill. Only One whose approval I seek. God and God alone. If my life is not a pleasing offering to Him, then I will get it wrong in every other area of my life. Finally, if being vulnerable enough to share this helps just one other person to know they are not alone…then I don’t really care if it makes anyone uncomfortable. God placed it in front of the one it was written for. To remind them of the truth that I know so well…He sees you…He loves you…and a breakthrough IS coming. That was a promise God made me a year ago and He has been faithful to that promise. While my heart still aches from devastating losses, my body has been healed of most of the post Covid symptoms I have had. It took time in the silence to find the joy of every single one of the blessings I have I received in the midst of the heartache. My circumstances changed…my God NEVER did!!!

So my dear friends. It really is ok not to be ok. However, it is not ok to stay there. Maybe you just needed to hear someone say that a season of rest is what you need. Self care is what you need. Soul care is what you need. God didn’t just create you to survive. He created you to thrive; to live in the fullness of His image in which you were created. Oh sweet soul reading this, put down the façade of “fine” and own where you are at so that Creator of the world and the lover of your soul can heal you from the inside out. You are worth it to Him. He loved you first and He loves you most. Find Him in the silence…He is always there.

Questions

/ simplynikkicat / 5 Comments

Yes, I am the vine and you are the branches. Those who remain in me, and I in them, will produce much fruit. For apart from me you can do nothing.

John 15:5

Last week the thought caught my attention that I have not written a blog since December. Honestly, I haven’t felt the need to. This is probably why I am bad at blogging. I am not someone who can write on demand. Writing is not my profession nor is it my craft. I wouldn’t necessarily call it my hobby either. It goes so much deeper than all of the above. My writing comes from deep within my connection with God. The sacred place were abiding occurs. It’s not that my connection is lesser with God in seasons where my writing is less; it’s simply that the Holy Spirit has not stirred up the words inside of me. Last week when my blog crossed my mind it was the middle of the afternoon, the perfect time to write. Yet, I felt nothing. Not a single word popped into my head and no writing occurred. Now I sit here franticly typing; the words overflowing out of me. It’s 2:30 in the morning and this will most certainly hurt when the alarm goes off in 3 hours to get my youngest son ready for school. Who knows…maybe I’ll still be awake, my finger hovering over the word “publish.” Because there are two things that are certain when I blog; 1) the Holy Spirit alone prompts me to write and 2) I am never certain that I will publish it until I actually hit publish.

Writing for me is so much more more than putting words to the page. It’s about giving glimpses of my soul; sharing the thoughts and experiences, the triumphs and struggles on this journey. How do I know which pieces I will share? I never do. Only when the Spirit stirs and prompts do the words flow. It’s almost as if to remind me that apart from Him I can do nothing and only when it will point back to Him should I write something. Because, lets be honest, without the power of the Holy Spirit compelling it and the truth of Jesus woven within it…I am simply another amateur writer littering an already overcrowded blogging field with my thoughts. Instead, I write with the one in mind. The one the Holy Spirit thought of when He ignited the blogging fire within me. The one whom these words are meant for. The one who needs to be reminded that God sees you…He sees all of you…even the parts you don’t want Him to see…and He still loves you. Who is the one? I’m never really sure. Maybe it’s someone I love or a complete stranger, there have been times when it has proven to be me, or perhaps the one is you. Ultimately, it matters not. The need is never for me to know who I am writing for. It is simply an act of obedience; trusting that the One who prompted me to write is the same One who will be faithful to ensure that the right eyes see the words and the right heart is soothed, encouraged, or convicted by them.

Who are You God? Because You are turning out to be so much different than I imagined.

Steven Curtis Chapman

After my daughter passed away music became an agent of healing. Within the melodies and lyrics it was as if I could still tangibly connect to the beauty of God in the midst of the suffocating pain of grief. The album I would listen to over and over again was Beauty Will Rise by Steven Curtis Chapman; a collection of songs he wrote and recorded after his daughter went home to be with Jesus, just 4 months after my sweet Francesca. There was something in the shared experience that made the words he sang pour over me like healing balm. A hurting father to a hurting mother, a son of God to a daughter of God, a singer/songwriter to the one on their mind as the Holy Spirit prompted and compelled a piece of art that would prove to be so much more…to so many more than just the one. Within the artistry came a glimpse into his soul and through the vulnerability of his pain came the still soft voice that would often rise above the lyrics to say “I see you. You are not alone.”

And where are You God? Cuz I am finding life to be so much harder than I had planned.

Steven Curtis Chapman

I often find people’s 5 and 10 year plans ironic. I mean the likelihood of your life plan playing out the way you actually planned is less predictable than a meteorologist’s 14 day weather forecast. Life very rarely goes according to our preplanned agenda’s, yet so many of us still get caught up in laying out the blueprint of our lives. The more detailed the blueprint the harder the wrecking ball of the unexpected hits. It’s in these moments that our faith is often tested the most and the questions swirl. “Why?” becomes the cry of our heart. “If only” becomes the anthem of the dreams that haunt us. One of the hardest lessons some of us have to learn is that we are, in fact, not the author of our own story. Contrary to the lies of this age, we do not “create our own destiny.” Long before the world began, before a single day of our lives came to pass, we were on the heart and in the mind of the true author of our story. Created for a plan and purpose far greater than anything we could ever conjure up. Created for such a time as this, to be part of a much greater story than our own. Yet, it’s often the death grip on which we hold onto our own blueprint that makes us question our Creator when the plan doesn’t go according to our specifications.

Even in the sacred space of abiding questions still come, heartache is still real and devastation still occurs. However, it is in the abiding that a branch can weather even the fiercest storm if the vine it is connected to is strong. In the ache of my broken heart nothing in this world made sense. The blueprint I had for my life was shredded and placed in the cold earth of a cemetery. The only thing I had to cling to was Jesus and who I trusted Him to be. I had to believe that He would bind my wounds and heal my broken heart. Even in grief…especially in grief…I learned that apart from Him I can truly do nothing. God turned out to be so much different than I expected. When life got harder than I planned, that is when I learned that God isn’t my fairy godfather, floating around in the distance, waiting to give me a “happily ever after.” He is a very real and personal Father who meets us in the mess and the pain and the heartache of this life…if we will open ourselves up to Him.

How could You God? How could You be so good and strong and make a world that can be so painful?

Steven Curtis Chapman

In our humanness so many of us make God’s goodness dependent upon our circumstances or the circumstances of the world. The brokenness of sin is what makes the world painful, not God. That is an overly simplistic statement to explain a topic that men have theologized and philosophized for centuries but, it’s simply the truth. The even greater truth is that God has already given us the remedy for sin and therefore He is more than capable to be the remedy for the pain caused by the brokenness of sin. And someone needs to hear this…the brokenness of sin is not just about people behaving badly; it is disease and poverty and natural disasters etc. Sin didn’t just fracture humanity, it distorted all of creation. But God so loved the world that He made a way where there was no way…His name is Jesus. Jesus makes all things new. Jesus turns the ashes of this life into beautiful things.

In so many ways life turned out to be so much harder than I expected. Devastation came…more than once. Yet in it, through the abiding, God turned out to be so much more than I expected, not less. He came alive to me in greater ways, not lesser. Was the road easy, no. But did it show me that God is greater, ABSOLUTELY. My heart aches for the many who will believe that because they didn’t get the ending they wanted that at the minimum God isn’t good and the max, He isn’t even real. Both could not be further from the truth.

Who am I God? That you would raise me from the dust to breathe Your life and Your love me.

Steven Curtis Chapman

It is now almost 5 am, in just 30 minutes the alarm will signal me to awaken from a slumber that never occurred. A slumber that alluded me because God knew someone needed to be reminded that He never sleeps or slumbers. His eyes never stray or wander. He is faithful to watch over His children. He leaves the flock to rescue the one and He waits with open arms for the prodigal to return to home. Who is the one I write for? I don’t know and quite honestly, I don’t need to know. What I do know is that over the years the Holy Spirit has awaken many prayer warriors to pray on my behalf. Tonight, or this morning I should say, I have paid that blessing forward. Someone needs to be reminded that Almighty God has breathed life into you…He gave His Son’s life because He found you worthy of His love. Life may not be going the way your thought it should or wanted it to; that doesn’t mean that God is no longer good or that you are no longer His beloved. Abide in Him and He will abide in you. It is the abiding that you will find your strength and your comfort. In the abiding all the questions may not be answered but the ashes will become beautiful as you experience God in greater ways than you could ever imagine.

Questions

Who are You God
For You are turning out to be
So much different than I imagined

And where are you God
Cause I am finding life to be
So much harder than I had planned

Know that I am afraid
To ask these questions
But You know they are there

And if you know my heart
The way that I believe you do
You know that I believe in You
Still I have these questions

Like How could you God
How could You be so good and strong
And make a world that can be so painful

And where were you God
I know you had to be right there
I know you never turn your head

You know that I’m confused
By all this mystery
You know I get afraid
But if you know my heart
As completely as I trust you do
Oh you know that I trust in you

Is it true
That fore every tear I cry
You cry a thousand more
Cause you weep for those that weep

And are you, just holding yourself back
From crushing all the pain and evil in this world
For reasons we just cant understand for now
But isn’t there a day of redemption coming
Oh Redemption is coming

Quickly Lord, come quickly
Lord, come quickly

So who am I God
That you would raise me from the dust
To breathe your life and your love in me
You know that I believe

Steven Curtis Chapman

Promises

/ simplynikkicat / 4 Comments

“No man for any considerable period, can wear one face to himself and another to the multitude, without finally getting bewildered as to which may be true.”

Nathaniel Hawthorne (from The Scarlet Letter)

I didn’t want to get out of bed this morning. After months of rising well before the dawn, today I simply wanted to pull the covers over my head and call it a day. Then a text came in…a friend who knew. Some will say instinctively, but I know better. It’s the joining of people through God’s Holy Spirit that allows us to know when someone we love isn’t well. The sweet friend whose text prompted me out of bed is a heart on a similar journey. The heaviness of this year was crashing in on both of us.

This morning I feel more like the disciples after Jesus crucifixion than the shepherds after His birth. Post traumatic stress sets in as they cowered together trying to reconcile what in the world had just happened. 2020 has been a bit like that. A year that started with so much promise hit most of us like a freight train that has backed up and run over us again and again. Now, the reality is, most days I can appreciated what this season has taught me and even see the gifts God has given me. Things I could have never experienced without this crazy time of Covid. But this morning all I feel is heaviness. I have painted on the smile, most of the time it was genuine. I have hosted the gathering, finding reasons to celebrate through the struggle and the sadness. I have tried to laugh more than I have allowed myself to cry. Yet, here I sit this morning…the smile is gone, the laughter has been drown out with tears, and the heaviness of it all surrounds me. The heaviness of the burdens I see so many that I love carrying, the heaviness of watching people all around me hurting, the heaviness of wanting my body to feel “normal” again after having Covid almost 5 months ago, the heaviness of feeling like an animal locked up in cage longing for the freedom to roam wherever I want, the heaviness of what this year has robbed me of…precious time with my dad before he passed away. In the quiet of the morning, when there is no one to smile for, sometimes the heaviness is just too much to carry. This is where I find myself today.

“To all who mourn in Israel, he will give a crown of beauty for ashes, joyous blessing instead of mourning, festive praise instead of heaviness…”

Isaiah 61:3

In their sadness after the crucifixion, the disciples couldn’t see that this horrible turn of events would become the greatest gift the world would ever know. It’s interesting how God gave them a day to just mourn…to wrestle with what they had experienced, what they had seen, and how it seemingly ended. In that day of silence the human heart was allowed to shatter in the pain of it all…but only because God was about to put every splintered piece back together with a beauty that it could have never possessed without the pain.

This morning I decided to write, much less to publish and far more as a means for God to soothe my aching heart. In the process He has reminded me that there are many who are painting on a smile even though they are struggling. There are many who are choosing laughter as a way to suppress the tears. There are many who are fighting to find a way back to a normal that might be lost to us forever. And He has reminded me that sometimes we just need to give ourselves permission to keep it real and be sad about it all. Because how can God ever minister to the heart that doesn’t admit to the depth of the wound or the weight of the burden or the intensity of the pain? We can say “we are fine” to everyone else, but God always knows the truth. And the healing, the comfort, and the strength always comes when we trust God enough to be honest with Him.

I cannot promise you that 2021 will be any better than 2020. Unfortunately, there is no blogger that can. However, I can promise you that God will take the ashes of all that has ached our hearts and turn them into beautiful things. Things may never go back to what they were….time lost can never be regained…we might continue to struggle. But what if out of all of this pain the best is yet to come? What if we trusted that God sees the bigger picture and sometimes the path of heartache and struggle leads to the most amazing gifts He has for us? And hear me…my body may never be 100% what is was pre Covid, more people I love will experience struggles at some level, and I can never get back the time Covid lockdowns robbed me of with my dad. Yet, I feel better than I have months…I have seen miraculous healing as the people of God have flooded heaven with their prayers…and in the end I did get precious time with dad, even if it was only a few days, God made sure it was enough to say and do all that was needed. So while I am sad today, God promises that joy will come in the morning and that joy is not dependent upon our circumstances but rather simply on who God has proven Himself to be. This is the promise I am holding tightly to. Maybe it’s a promise you needed to be reminded of as well.

Much Love,

Nikki xoxo

Confessions from a season of madness…

/ simplynikkicat / 8 Comments

When the heart is burdened sleep often eludes the restless soul.

This is me this morning.

Sitting in my backyard as the dawn meets the day. The sound of crickets and the haunting melody of “Ave Maria” serving as my soundtrack. While no longer Catholic, there is something about this particular song that can still bring me to tears. Or maybe it’s the sheer physical and emotional exhaustion finally overwhelming me. Seeking a release or threatening to consume me.

So here I sit, in quiet desperation…crying out to God. Fixing my gaze on the only One who makes sense in a season of utter madness.

The prophet Isaiah asks is anyone is thirsty? My heart cries, yes!! The journey through this dry and dusty land has left me parched. Disillusioned and bewildered by what is unfolding before my very eyes. When did we become a people of such extremes? When did we become a people of such hatred? When did we become so consumed with fear? The moment we shifted our gaze off of God and onto the world, that’s when. For confusion, chaos, fear, and hatred are all attributes of our enemy, who is the prince of this world.

“Come to me with your ears wide open. Listen, and you will find life. I will make an everlasting covenant with you. I will give you all the unfailing love I promised David.” ~ Isaiah 55:3

There is only one source of life and love; God alone. Isaiah boldly proclaims that if we seek the Lord we will find Him. So this morning I cry out to Him. For the burdened and heavy hearted, He is the only source of comfort and solace. He is the only source of truth and hope. He is the only source of peace in the chaos. For only He as the power to turn the torment of the heart into the joy that can be found in every new day.

“The theif’s purpose is to steal and kill and destroy. My purpose is to give them a rich and satisfying life.” ~ John 10:10

The intention of this blog was always to be real, raw, and vulnerable about where I am on this journey called life. The good, the bad, and the ugly. I’m not interested in adding to the ever growing “highlight reel” that has us all believing in a false sense of reality, that in all actuality is the greatest lie ever told. Facades are as false as the unrealistic expectations they place on our lives. That is something I will never prescribe to, nor perpetuate.

However, in the spirit of transparency, I will admit that since having the title “pastor” affixed to my name I have been less than forthcoming in my blogs. There is a responsibility that comes with that title and truth be told, it’s suffocating at times. Ironically, its not the expectations of God that are so overwhelming, but rather those of people. Everything said and done is analyzed as if under a microscope. Did I meet your expectations of me? Did I give you what you needed from me? Did I say what you wanted me to say, when you wanted me to say it, how you wanted me to say it? Do you even realize I am still a human being with a heart and feelings and a family of my own?

One week ago today in a staff meeting we did a prayer exercise through Proverbs 3 and this is what God spoke to me out verses 11&12…

The enemy plays on your insecurity. Be secure in who I have created you to be. I am never pleased with an imitation or a false version of you. You are beautifully and wonderfully made…exactly how I made you.

You see, the enemy would like nothing more than to allow insecurity to move me to silence. How easy it would be for him to wreak havoc in my mind as I unrealistically try to please everyone.

Recently…

I have been accused of pushing a far right political agenda. Ironically, I have also been accused of pushing a far left one as well. Not sure how I have managed to accomplish that unbelievable fete, but I have.

I have silently struggled as my son with autism has been so detrimentally affected by school closures. Putting on a brave face that screams “everything is fine.” While silently devastated and weary by how this season has manifested in his behaviors.

I have greater insight into how the lepers of Jesus day must have felt as my family endures Covid19. Because publicly confirming you have this illness is the modern day equivalent to placing a damning scarlet letter on your chest.

Isn’t it amazing to discover what is really lurking behind a smiling face.

“The goal of our life is not people. It is God. Only in Him shall we find the rest we seek.” ~ Henri Nouwen

As I sit here this morning, in the still presence of God, He does what only He can do. He breathes new life into me. He reminds me that the only affirmation I ever need is His. While the world conditions us to please people, the Spirit moves us to please God. As our gaze shifts firmly on Jesus, He reveals that the greatest deception the enemy has ever unleashed upon us is “people pleasing.” Our value, our worth, and our calling is never determined by popular opinion, it rests in Jesus Christ alone.

I have learned in this season, probably more than any other, that I simply want to represent Jesus well. As my Savior never fit into the neat little boxes culture has created, neither do I. In fact, He defied them in every way. He loved limitlessly but His holy nature also demanded justice. He gave freely but He had an expectation that we, as His disciples, would honor Him well by living out His commission and commands. He showed compassion and grace but also experienced the very real human emotions of anger, grief, anguish, and despair.

So here I am…real, raw and honest.

Am I mad that my son cannot go back to school this fall? Yes, I am absolutely furious. Most people will never understand the toll this will take on all of our children, in particular the special needs population.

Do I believe we need to protect our democracy? Absolutely!! I see anarchy on the rise in this country. I see socialism on the brink. And I can’t help but wonder if the greatest fatality of Covid19 will be the United States of America itself.

Do I believe that law enforcement has been demonized as a whole by a few horrible police officers? Without a doubt. I am so thankful that I am not judged by every false teacher and bad pastor that has ever stood at a pulpit. We must never forget these were the men and women that ran into the Twin Towers on 9/11. They are the ones who place themselves in harms way daily for our protection. They are the ones who worked so diligently to bring our daughter Francesca back the day she died, the ones who wept with my husband and I, the ones who came back to check in on us a few years later.

Do I believe that there are hurting and marginalized people in our country? Emphatically, YES!!. People whose voices need to be heard, even if their dialogue makes me uncomfortable, even if I fundamentally disagree with the political agendas that are hidden behind the movement. YES!! Because after all, how does healing and reconciliation ever happen if we are never willing to step out of own experiences to hear the experiences and pain of others.

Have I watched fear grip our nation as our leaders and media have used tactics to insight such feelings? I actually believe I have. It has both paralyzed and polarized us as a nation. We can no longer respectfully agree to disagree. We have lost the ability to honor everybody’s comfort level. We have made public health and safety political propaganda. Drawing the lines between Red and Blue, much like the lines drawn 160 years ago between North and South.

And in the midst of all this chaos and confusion, the prayer of Jesus echoes in my head. As He prayed for His followers this is what He said…

“Now I am coming to you. I told them many things while I was with them in this world so they would be filled with my joy. I have given them your word. And the world hates them because they do not belong to the world, just as I do not belong to the world. I’m not asking you to take them out of the world, but to keep them safe from the evil one.  They do not belong to this world any more than I do.  Make them holy by your truth; teach them your word, which is truth.  Just as you sent me into the world, I am sending them into the world.  And I give myself as a holy sacrifice for them so they can be made holy by your truth. “I am praying not only for these disciples but also for all who will ever believe in me through their message.  I pray that they will all be one, just as you and I are one—as you are in me, Father, and I am in you. And may they be in us so that the world will believe you sent me. ~ John 17:13-21

Jesus was leaving this earth and in doing so He was anointing His followers to continue living out His ministry and mission. His prayer was not that we would become political activists or that we would fit into the cookie cutter boxes that culture has created. His prayer wasn’t that we would make everyone happy. He didn’t pray that we wouldn’t suffer persecution, He didn’t pray away hardships, He didn’t even ask that everything would go our way. He prayed that His Father would make us into a holy people, set apart by His truth. A people in this world, but no longer of this world. Citizens of heaven here on earth. A people who hunger and thirst for righteousness. A meek and humble people who are unoffendable. Who can admit the realness of how they are feeling but then submit those feelings to God rather than acting upon them. A people that understand that even in the chaos, and the confusion, and the uncertainty God is still in control. He sees what we do not see and therefore He does what we would not do. The prophet Isaiah reminds us that God’s thoughts are nothing like ours and His ways are far beyond what we could ever imagine. Therefore, we must trust that God is moving in ways beyond what our eyes can see…at least for right now. One day, it will all be revealed. Of that I am certain.

So this morning I am thirsty. The dust and dryness of this land has left me parched. The power of admitting that truth, is that the enemy has no hold over my mind. He cannot create a false narrative about the things I have kept hidden. Instead, the living water of Jesus Christ alone replenishes my soul. He gives the me hope and the courage to persevere even when things are not seemingly going the way I wish they would.

For the heart that awoke this morning feeling heavy and burdened, this blog is for you. I hope you, like me, will take comfort in the words of James,

“Dear brothers and sisters, when troubles of any kind come your way, consider it an opportunity for great joy. For you know that when your faith is tested, your endurance has a chance to grow. So let it grow, for when your endurance is fully developed, you will be perfect and complete, needing nothing.” ~ James 1:3-4

With our gaze firmly focused on Jesus we will persevere through this season and be better for it. Of that I have no doubt.

Turn your eyes upon Jesus…look full in His wonderful face…and the things of this world will grow strangely dim…in the light of His glory and grace.

This morning, as the emotions threatened to overwhelm me, God reminded me to let the world grow dim. As His truth settled into my heart, His peace enveloped me. I pray that peace rests upon you as well today and in the days to come. Even this will be worked out for God’s glory if we simply trust in Him.